I found the section that described how Benjamin Bloom attempted to figure out an agreed upon way to research how we measure social ability fascinating. On page 147 Dweck talks about how we, as a society, don't really understand relationship skills even though, "everything is at stake in people's relationships." She also mentions that a combination of social-emotional skills (Emotional Intelligence) and mindset can help us understand why some people have long lived and satisfying relationships while others do not. Dweck goes on to discuss how the fixed mindset makes people want instant compatibility and think that everything comes naturally in relationships. This is interesting to me because growing up you always hear about the "love at first sight" couple or "the perfect couple" that never disagrees or just knows what their partner is thinking. They seem to have an effortless relationship. This myth is debunked by Dweck when she points out that, "a no-effort relationship is a doomed relationship."
How many people have felt that if someone didn't understand what they wanted or needed at a particular time it meant they didn't care about the relationship? I know that when I was younger I did have more of a fixed mindset when it came to love. As I matured I began to see that communication is key and that blaming someone else for the relationship failing never works out. I love that relationship expert, Daniel Wile, says that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. This should hit home with anyone who is married for the long haul. I have a real problem with the way society has become reliant on divorce as a quick fix rather than seeing that problems can be solved through hard work. If we learn to help each other work towards obtaining our own goals and what we want to do we both grow and are fulfilled.
I find no relationship that requires no work. Whether it be family members, partners, or work relationships, they all require work. That work comes in the form of communication, courtesy, understanding, a lot of patience, and trying to see a variety of perspectives. This is the epitome of growth mindset as a person needs to be self-reflective in order to grow with other people. I have seen relationships that are positive and last and many that have crashed and burned. There seems to be a definite divide between the idea of being open, transparent, and willing to consider someone else's perspective and those that are stuck in their ways. When a person is at odds with their partner, there is a possibility of an out with break ups and divorce; when those relationships are within family, walking away may not be as easy (siblings, parents, etc.) . What I have tried to instill in my own kids is to be open and communicate and to realize that there are always two sides to a story. Try to be open to the other side. This is so hard to ask this of people and to model it successfully.
ReplyDeleteLike everything in our society - even love is disposable. I don't agree with it - but it is true. Look at the rate of divorce. I agree with Maria - what has happened to transparency, perspective, and willing to try and see another way? All relationships require work and an open mind - a growth mindset if they are going to work. I do believe that fix-mindset folks are doom if they aren't willing to make concessions.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the idea that good relationships are based in communication. This communication allows all sides to grow and develop over time. I thought it was very interesting about the perfect couple never arguing and just knowing what the other person wants. People will disagree and that is human nature. When we communicate in our relationships things can be resolved or made better, but when we act as if there is no problem things seem to build up pressure and finally explode. As uncomfortable as it is to sometimes talk about disagreements it is also important to push ourselves to have that growth mindset and take on the challenge of building stronger relationships.
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